[sixties-l] Pat Paulsen for President

From: Ron Jacobs (rjacobs@zoo.uvm.edu)
Date: 10/17/00

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    Forwarded by Martha Herbert:
    Subject: 	Presidential Debate Transcript.
    Jim Lehrer: Welcome to the second presidential debate between Vice
    President Al Gore and Gov. George W. Bush. The candidates have agreed on
    these rules: I will ask a question. The candidate will ignore the question
    and deliver rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to undecided women voters.
    The opponent will then have one minute to respond by trying to frighten
    senior citizens into voting for him. When a speaker's time has expired, I
    will whimper softly while he continues to spew incomprehensible statistics
    for three more minutes. Let's start with the vice president. Mr. Gore, can
    you give us the name of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us his or her
    story in a way that strains the bounds of common sense?
    Gore: As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly made love the
    way we have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the
    downtrodden have a clear choice in this election. My opponent wants to cut
    taxes for the richest 1 percent of Americans. I, on the other hand, want to
    put the richest 1 percent in an iron clad lockbox so they can't hurt old
    people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight. Mrs. Frampinhamper
    has been selling her internal organs, one by one, to pay for gas so that
    she can travel to these debates and personify problems for me. Also, her
    poodle has arthritis.
    Lehrer: Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.
    Bush: Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people, crying
    with them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists. I want
    to empower those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike my
    opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush.
    Lehrer: Let's turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if Slobodan Milosevic
    were to launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to
    pronounce his name?
    Bush: The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy and
    didn't get it done. If I'm elected, the first thing I would do about that
    guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick would present
    me several options for dealing with that guy. And then Dick would tell me
    one to choose. You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make tough foreign
    policy decisions every day about how we're going to deal with New Mexico.
    Lehrer: Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.
    Gore: Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly interested in. I
    served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of poison gas
    in World War I. I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And when
    that war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to Tipper in a way
    that any undecided woman voter would find romantic. If I'm entrusted with
    the office of president, I pledge to deal knowledgeably with any threat,
    foreign or domestic, by putting it in an iron clad lockbox. Because the
    American people deserve a president who can comfort them with simple
    Lehrer: Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security system?
    Gore: It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman and I have proposed
    changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to every
    senior citizen without having it cost the federal treasury a single penny
    until the year 2250. In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion over the
    next 10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens can have drugs
    delivered free to their homes every Monday by a federal employee who will
    also help them with the child-proof cap.
    Lehrer: Gov. Bush?
    Bush: That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas, I have to do
    math every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide whether I'm going
    to fill potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds to reroof
    the sheep barn at the Texas state fairgrounds.
    Lehrer: It's time for closing statements.
    Gore: I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician, but I will
    fight for the working families of America, in addition to turning the White
    House into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me.
    Bush: It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past by electing no
    one but Republicans.
    Lehrer: Good night.

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