Fwd: NATION'S WEALTHIEST ONE PERCENT DEMANDS MINORITY STATUS

PNFPNF@AOL.COM
Fri, 6 Nov 1998 19:40:07 EST

[MODERATOR'S NOTE: The following post is a spoof forwarded to
SIXTIES-L by subscriber Paula Friedman. Though I rarely forward
fiction, this was too weird not to pass along.]
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From: "Mike Ballard" <classconscious@hotmail.com> (by way of Tom Condit
<tomcondit@igc.apc.org>)
Subject: NATION'S WEALTHIEST ONE PERCENT DEMANDS MINORITY STATUS

WASHINGTON, DC--A grass-roots coalition representing the highest
socioeconomic stratum of Americans marched on Washington Tuesday to
demand that the nation's wealthiest one percent be granted official
minority status.

Journeying to the nation's capital from monied enclaves and
gated communities across the nation, the marchers gathered on the
National Mall in a unified call for "an end to the discrimination we
face daily as members of America's least-recognized minority group."

"We have been invisible for far too long," said billionaire
shipping heiress Mrs. Winston O. Lathrop, of the Boston Lathrops, in
an impassioned speech at the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. "Just
because we are among the richest persons on the planet does not mean
we are not human beings. Just because we have yachts, mansions and
vast corporate holdings in major multinationals does not mean we
deserve to be treated as second-class citizens."

Calling the current system of federal support for only certain
minority groups "grossly unfair," the marchers demanded that the
nation's wealthiest one percent be afforded the same benefits other
minorities enjoy.

"Public schools, from what my servants tell me, now offer
Hispanic and African-American students special counselors who are
sensitive to their unique needs as minorities," said Manhattan
socialite Virginia Des Jardins, founder of One Percent Nation, a
newsletter dedicated to increasing awareness of minority-elite issues
and raising identity-consciousness among one-percenters. "Where are
the counselors who can relate to our special needs? Unless you were
raised in an environment with 17 maids, you cannot possibly understand
what it's like. And day after day, as the economic gap between us and
the masses widens, the situation only worsens, and we become ever more
marginalized."

Exacerbating the problem, Dallas-based oil baron H. Milton
Endicott said, are affirmative-action programs that give economically
disadvantaged minorities preference in hiring and college admissions
at the expense of the minority elite.

"Black students are becoming an all-too-familiar site on Ivy
League campuses and in the board room," Endicott said. "It's getting
harder and harder to get accepted to Harvard solely on name alone. All
we're asking for is a level playing field."

Marchers, accompanied by their chauffeurs, manservants, and
thousands of paid employees, were vocal in their demands for special
programs that would help members of the minority-elite live in a
society that, as one rallygoer said, "all too often views us with fear
and loathing, just because our massive stockpiles of wealth somehow
make us 'different.'"

"People on the street stare at us like we're not the same as
them--and why?" mining magnate Herbert Lassiter IV said. "Because of
the vast sums we have hidden in Swiss banks? Because we receive dinner
invitations from Saudi royalty? Because our ties cost more than their
families earn in a year? We must learn to embrace these differences
and use them to bring us closer together, not to drive us further
apart."

Lassiter also stressed the importance of intervention for
at-risk one-percenters, many of whom are driven to low self-esteem and
self-destructive behavior by the outside world's great indifference to
their plight.

"Misunderstood by a world that sees them as outsiders not to be
trusted, more and more of the wealthiest one percent are turning to
white-collar crime," Lassiter said. "I've seen kids as young as 23
spending up to six months in minimum-security facilities for tax
evasion, wasting away in places that offer only the most rudimentary
of golf and dining accommodations. That's a hell no young scion
should ever have to face."

One-percenters, Des Jardins said, need access to "safe spaces"
where they can nurture and foster their own sense of socioeconomic
pride and identity with others of their own kind, free from the
disapproving glare of the non-wealthy majority. Educating the masses
about the special challenges facing the wealthiest one percent, Des
Jardins said, is also vital. Such efforts, however, are only the
beginning.

"Until the majority learns to stop their terrible othering of
the wealthiest one-percent, there will never be true equality," Des
Jardins said. "For every one of us, there are 99 plebeians who view us
with bigotry and anti-plutocratism."

Organizers called Tuesday's march a "major step forward" but
recognize that the road to acceptance for the ultra-rich will be a
long, hard one.

"I look forward to a glorious day when the wealthiest one
percent can walk down the street, hand in hand with their lessers, as
brothers," textile heir Julius Worthington White said. "But, sadly,
that day is still a long way off."

"They Look down on us, just because we're superior," White
continued. "Well, our response is, 'We're here, we're fabulously
well-off, get used to it.' We shall overcome."

____________________

"Reprinted with permission from The Onion
(www.theonion.com). Copyright 1998 Onion, Inc."

Wage-slaves of the world unite! You have nothing to lose; but your
bosses. http://www.stanford.edu/~miballar/